Wednesday, December 11, 2013

A Bit of Reflection

December 12th, 2013, is the second anniversary of me ending the long term relationship with Barbara.  I may not have accomplished as much as I had hoped this year.  I have still done quite a bit.  I have changed the way I react to stress.  This last summer there was a lot of turmoil going on.  Most of it had to do with something that was beyond my control.  Instead of freaking out about it, I learned to be Zen about things.  I have been working with my family and counseling to get back on my feet.  As I am writing this I am unemployed.  I left, there were things at play that made me believe that I may not have been there long anyway.  I struggled with the fact that I was physically not cut out for that job. When I left my boss offered to be a reference.  I did things on my on terms. That has been the theme since I regained the reins of my life 

This last year has cemented the fact that I am making very solid connections in the Nerd/ Geek Community in Portland, Oregon.  There are things about the scene that frustrate me; regardless there are people who call me their friend.  That makes me feel real good. I have a little boy, my nephew Zeke, who lights up every time I enter the room.  I have done a lot of the things I wanted to this year: the final year of Trek in the Park, Wonder NW, Stumptown Comics Fest, Rose City ComicCon, FrightTown, Pirate Night at the Space Room, Monster Kid Radio Crash, Guardian Games Anniversary, Grand Re-Opening, Went to more signing at Things from another World and Bridge City Comics, First Rush Concert, First Podcast Guesting spot with In One Day Radio, sat in on a taping of Funemployment Radio, a few more shows at Sequential Art Gallery + Studio, Trek in the Dark, and Cort and Fatboy is Dead.  I am hoping within a year I will find work and a place in the Portland Metro area. I set a goal in February for Blog articles and completed it with a month to spare.   In a year my blog has almost 1700 hits from it inception, most 1600 of it was this year alone. 

In 2012, I wondered if anything I did created good in the world. I was still struggling with changes in my life. This year I was told repeatedly I mattered and was respected. Members of the Portland Geek/ Nerd community let me know I was one of them and always welcome. New friendships were made that I believe will last. A young man I mentored during the beginning of the darker days with Barbara returned in my life to inform me I had positive influence on him.  On the last day of Counseling, I was told by the person I was getting counseling from that they were proud of my achievements. They even gave me a list of what they were proud of. Recently a Facebook friend, whom I met at a geek event which was impetus for me to take back my life, told me she admired me. This is by no means all the positive feedback I have received this year. It has made me feel so ready to take on the world and my future. 3 years ago, if you told me that this would happen I would have thought you were pulling my leg.

I am by no means saying that I do not need any more work done growth wise.  I am still mending spiritually, mentally, and psychologically.  I am still a work in progress and I have learned so much about myself.  I know I am still not ready for a relationship beyond friendship.  Will I ever be ready?  I honestly do not know.  Does it matter? At this point, it does not.  I need to still find out who I am and who I want to be.  That may sound a bit clichéd, but it holds true for me at this moment.  I gave up a lot of myself over 14 years and it will be a time before I have completely healed.  I am healing and it is an on going process.  My friends and family have made this journey easier for me.  Many of these friends were made in the last year and a half.  The funny thing is I am glad things are not going where I thought they would.  The unpredictability of life is great.  I am still learning to let it happen and how to make it happen, but never force it to happen.  I am so glad of where I am, I cannot wait to see what is next. I give thanks to everyone and everything that has blessed me so.  That Is My Not So Humble Opinion.

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